I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired