[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’m good, thanks.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me