CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
A short story of betrayal:
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
s
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I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Genius idea!!
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*