CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
British websites use biscuits.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.