CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
New tinder profile pic
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.