CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I created you as mosquito food.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.