CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
what kind of cook setting is this??
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
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.
.
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It’s Dublin.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.