“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.