Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
#parenting
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.