Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
happy friday
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?