watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight