pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
There is no “ea” in Tim.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.