DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe