Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The game has officially changed 😎
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.