@lilgapeach30: Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don't want you.
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@KalvinMacleod: I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band.
@girlontapas: My boss is marrying a Chinese woman. Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
@NotARatsAss: My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, "Pull!"
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair