“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Beware…..
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.