Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
OH. COME. ON.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.