Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Yup.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
No way!
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.