DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me :
All Day At Night
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?