dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
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Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
58.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.