Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
You Might Also Like
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Try and stop me.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Spotted in New Orleans.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out