Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!