dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.