my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
They also CAN sing✌️
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”