Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.