[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”