DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
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Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
im all 3
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
This will never not be funny 😭
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.