Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*