My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
So inspired right now.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.