Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
happy friday
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.