Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8