Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.