Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
You Might Also Like
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you