Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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*jingles half the way*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING