*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
🤔😂😂
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
you stereotypes are all alike
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons