*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*