*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.