Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.