year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.