They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
why I oughta
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.