If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
“What?”
– Jude
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.