911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
You Might Also Like
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.