My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
You Might Also Like
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.