Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
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Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Cats (2019)
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
White parent Vs Arab parents
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.