DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
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Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.