3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
cyclists
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.