@tdwyer618: "Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?"
"He didn't do his 1st grade homework."
@samalmightysam: Maybe Aliens don't visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
@vineyille: Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven't fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
@iGreenMonk: I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !
@NicCageMatch: My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
@AnemoneOh: Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese