@tdwyer618: "Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?"
"He didn't do his 1st grade homework."
@david8hughes: [job int]
"& what are your areas of weakness?"
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
"I don't like people touching my nose."
@sploosk: If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
@ericsshadow: Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
@Jasmin_Tatts: Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
@SamGrittner: Inkling sounds like a baby octopus