@tdwyer618: "Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?"
"He didn't do his 1st grade homework."
@Julian_Deane: With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
@twitinfected: I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
@weinerdog4life: I've had like 6 red bulls, so of course I'm vacuuming the front yard.
@samalmightysam: ''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' -Jesus flirting in a bar
@SeanINCypress: Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.