“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.