boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“OMGJK” -atheists
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.