Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
6: are snakes just neck?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
THIS HEADLINE
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
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