“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…