How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.