“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
That’s incredible! 👌
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy